Enjoying something you don’t really enjoy…

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Enjoying something you don’t enjoy…

The concept of humiliation is such an interesting one! How come you enjoy something that makes you feel humiliated? A feeling of humiliations means to feel ashamed, embarassed… definitely far away from anything that comes close to the feeling of being horny, far from the anticipation of sexual pleasure. So how come really, this sparks such pleasure in the end? How come I can honestly say I enjoy it? Let’s have a look at a quite recent example to state the case…
So we were on the sofa, the child most probably asleep and thus nothing in the way for our sexual activities. However, as so often recently, I felt a bit off. As if it would be too much of a routine, too boring to just think of sex right now. Probably due to the feeling of ‘another task to do tonight’ although I might already be too tired. At the same time feeling sure that with the right stimulation, I would be awake enough for some fun – but this had to happen without me saying so, otherwise all fun would be ruined already. A real catch-22! 
I believe I asked for my back to be massaged but I am not entirely sure how we reached to the coming situation. In the end I was signaled to lie on my master’s lap for the massage, which I did. I believed I would get a further massage of my lower back – which is where it started. I was a bit indignant because I had not actually wanted to lie on his lap. At the same time I had remembered however, that any kind of fun sexual acts would start with me following my master’s orders as a slave – not annoyingly complaining about what I was told to do because it was not what I wanted to, which I had not even been able to say! 
Here is the first step of the process to… well, maybe humiliation, definitely sexual pleasure for me: accept and do. Remember: that is what HE wants and that is why you do it. What you want is not important.
Well, a bit tensed I lay there, my arms tight under my chest instead of relaxed at my sides. And there it went – instead of massaging me further, he started placing his finger further down. Well, not too much down – just to that place in between my butt cheeks which he loves touching and about which I am still not sure what exactly I feel. He kept massaging, stroking, fingering all around my hole.
– Oh, I remember now, I had already got our boxes of toys because the next thing he did was to put lubricant on his finger and inserting it to my ass. He toyed with me, in and out, turning, twisting, maybe even placing a second finger at the rim. 
Now what did this do to me? Here is the thing: this game is not exactly something I love. No, in fact, it made me tense my butt cheeks to show him I didn’t like it! I was also sure that he must have seen exactly that and when I tried to squeeze my legs together, the first verbal order came: “legs apart!” 
I did follow and at the same time, all those thoughts and feelings crossed my mind and body: I did not like it and he did it anyway. He did with me what he wanted. I wouldn’t do anything about it – I could of course, why not to just get up? Because I enjoyed exactly that: to let him do to me what he wanted! 
It is humiliating: from my own decision I had told him, long ago, that I would do whatever he wanted me to and that my body was there for his pleasure. So why not something that I did not actually enjoy? Or did I? The feeling is not completely unpleasant in itself after all… but no, it is not my favourite. It was the knowledge of him knowing exactly this and nevertheless doing it. Enjoying it along with the knowledge about my slight uneasiness. 
This is the key for my humiliation: this feeling that I can be done with whatever my master wants, even if I don’t enjoy it and I will still not do anything about it – because it is exactly what turns me on. My mental vow to let it happen and submit. My knowledge of this self-made helplessness and complete obedience.
Had my master said in that moment: “I know you don’t like this but your ass is mine to do with what I like!”  – it had just turned me on even more!
So yes, something I don’t exactly like can be just the right thing for starting a very, very pleasurable time…